Christmas Music: More Like...ChristmASS Music

Let me set the scene:

2007 years ago, a little babyJesus was born in a manger in Bethlehem. Three Kings were guided by a star to visit him with gifts because, of course, they knew he was the savior of the human race. (Note: 2007 years later, the human race is still far from saved...but that is for another day.) This is the story of Christmas as we all know it. Then, although we take a 30 year break from his life, a 30-year-old babyJesus has undergone a spiritual transformation, and the rest is history.

But what happened in those 30 years? Did babyJesus have a psychotic break and start believing he was the son of God? (Happy Hanukkah, by the way.) Did he go into a cave in the desert and shroom or take peyote for 12 days straight, only to come out having heard the voice of the Lord, his father? More importantly, did that voice tell him that 2007 years later his peaceful teachings and claims of saviorhood would be twisted and contorted into the worst form of musical torture ever imagined?

Now, those of you who know me will remember this side of me from such episodes as "Jake Doubts His Faith" and "Jake Becomes an Athiest," or even more recent ones such as "Jake Searches for Spiritual Answers" and "Jake Learns to Meditate." If you've known me for more than 5 years, you may even remember a time in my life in which I may have been considered sarcastic, cynical, and even bitingly hilarious. For the remainder of this post, I will slip back (in fact, I already have) into that frame of mind. There will be little intellectual musical conversation, if any at all, and I will rant and rant about how bitter I am about how God/babyJesus-awful Christmas music is.

(Another note: I truly despise all holiday music, including but not limited to Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah Song," but this post is dedicated to the most popular of holiday musics: that which is composed and recorded for and about Christmas.)

There are some bands, namely the Trans Siberian Orchestra, one John Lennon song, and one Dave Matthews Band song that is never played on the radio, that lend credence to the feelings that Christmas music is at all worthwhile. However, I hardly think that two songs can overturn almost a century of tortuous whining about little drummer boys and holy and/or silent nights. This was all much more of a problem for me when I had to drive to school every morning without a CD player in my car or be a three-year-old running errands with a mother who doesn't mind Christmas music at all. Nowadays, I use the ole iPod or Pandora and am able to avoid the entire month of December on the radio. Sure, I go to Duane Reade and the bank and the grocery store and get immediately bombarded with holiday spirit. And for those 10 minutes, I want to hurt everyone in the store. Luckily the sound of jingling sleigh bells can hardly be heard at all over the full volume of my headphones.

I think the worst part about Christmas music is that it is neverchanging. I don't know how many times I have heard Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band cover "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," but I can tell you that on any given radio station that is owned by ClearChannel it is played at least twice an hour. I simply don't understand how people aren't sick of the same songs year in and year out. I heard a Josh Groban version of "Oh, Holy Night" the other day in the doctor's office and I nearly walked out. How many times does some oversinging, overhyped trendy artist have to cover Christmas songs before the act loses its novelty? For God's sake, even NSync had a Christmas album.

It's as if the state of the music industry weren't bad enough already...instead of giving a month over to talented new artists, radio stations dedicate 11 of 12 months to Beyonce, Chingy (sorry, bro), Fall Out Boy, etc. and 1/12 to the same Christmas music as last year, the year before that, and back and back until 1985 (probably before, but I can only attest to the past 22.5 years).

Maybe it's not Christmas music that bothers me...maybe it's just the dumbness with which everyone seems to fit right into the status quo that enjoys what Christmas and its subsequent style of generic, repetitive, mind-numbing music represent. As one wise sage (Douglas V. Bermingham) puts it, "You seem to be saying that Christmas bothers you because it's the apex of our cultural year. it is a time of the greatest consumption of everything (extended out as long as possible). As for the music end of it, it promotes idle drifting back to a time when everyone in the country was, for lack of a better word, brainwashed into associating happiness with presents, presents and presents...and i think we should get some peyote."